I’ve got a brand new lover and she’s laying down the law.
She says that I am wonderful but for one tiny flaw.
That something comes between us - she’s not having it and so
Three stone and one pot belly will just simply have to go.
Though I’ve been on several diets in the dim and distant past
What with one thing and another my diets never last
But this time things are different, my reasons more complex;
For health of course and fashion...but mostly it’s for sex.
We came to an agreement; lose three pounds get one “reward”
And to start with it was easy, we were neither of us bored
But pounds didn’t go so easy once I’d shed some of my size
To ensure I kept on losing I’d to take up exercise.
Just a little gentle jogging out along the road and back
As an easy introduction to an all out flab attack.
It’s been working very well - I lose a few pounds every day -
But rewards are mounting up because I’m far too tired to play.
Flabby legs turned into muscle so I put them to the test
As I doubled up my route each day and tried to beat my best.
My body’s loosened up a lot, I move with greater ease
(Except for my aching ankles and the twinges in my knees).
But I’ve now found out my lover doesn’t love me any more.
I know because she shouted it before she slammed the door
Because then she threw my clothes out, my pot plant and my cat
Though not, I note, my hi-fi (she was always fond of that).
When I phoned she slammed it down on me but first she told me why.
It seems I’m now a health freak and I’m not the same fun guy.
I’m always tired and sweaty, far too fussy with my food
But worse I’m never with her when she’s in a sexy mood!
Though I started this for her sake, I continue it for mine
For I know I’ll find another lover further down the line.
I wonder what she’ll make of me and will she find it strange,
Now that I am perfect, that there’s nothing left to change....
